Pine Cleaner and Teenagers...

Paula A. Tomey-Allen

You would think that I was THE most awful mother in the world when I require my teenagers to clean their rooms. When it gets to the point where apple cores have sprung new leaves, as they have embedded themselves into a stinky, mud filled sneaker or perhaps a gray stench feels the air of some concoction you can’t quite decipher, I put down my foot; but ever so carefully, and use my voice of motherly authority to make the roof tremble.

“Enough,” I scream, "of this awful mess! “I can’t even walk in here without a map that outlines the landmines that are buried under mounds of rumpled, stained and stinky clothes and moldy, crusted dishes. The enemy couldn’t even survive in here if they were searching for a place to hide!”

“Isn’t there is dresser somewhere on that wall and where is the cat? Is he too lost in this mirage of ambiguous clutter and vast breeding ground for multi-legged creatures? Is that your expensive prom dress you are using for curtains and isn’t that my foot soaker with pungent, slimy water the color of a spring frog?”

“When I said use pine cleaner to clean the bathroom, I did not mean pour the whole quart bottle all over the bathtub! Please! Open the window and turn on the exhaust fan before I gag! By the way, that brush, in the caddy that has stood dormant in the corner, that is to scrub the toilet with; not for chasing your brother around the house because he snuck a peek at your coveted diary!”

“There’s the laptop under your pillow and why is it online, and who is “badboy01” and “stud09”? What happened to the cute screensaver of the angora kitten? Who is THAT guy and where are his clothes?”

When they were born, there was no instruction book. I had to learn by trial and error as to how I should tend to their mountainous whims and wants. The parental advice that fell on my deaf ears, would not suffice for this era of chat rooms and “R” rated movies. Even Disney isn’t safe anymore and how do those people know how old you are or where you live if you haven’t told them? And, why are you getting “pre-approved” credit card mail?

What is that forbidden language I see on your "away message" and what do you mean “For a good time ring me up?”

It looks like it’s time for me to lower the boom that is in swift competition with the sonic one we hear so much about. But first, I think I need two aspirin and my gas mask, which I have stored away just for times like this!

Where is the duct tape and plastic sheeting? I’m taping them in and bolting the windows shut!

Uh… Er… GROSS! Gag a maggot… When was the last time you changed the litter box?

Please, Lord, tell me this is a test and it’s almost over!

Beam me up, Scotty! There’s no decent life here on earth!

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